By Technology Reporter Ricky Anderson
Quiltland based sewing machine manufacturer Bernome-Pffother will fly in the face of the consumer slowdown when it launches its new quilting machine next week. Combining the precision technology for which the company is renown, this machine unveils its new ECS system.
Austrian Chairman of the company Herr Hans von Witternhergerbergerundsoforthundesoon explained:
"Quilters nowadays take for granted thread cutters and extra throat space. What they need is a machine which not only has the capacity to do what they want to do but also knows what they want to do. Our new Emotional Compatibility System works by gathering information from both tiny sensors on and around the sewing bed area and from audio receptors placed by the stitch controls. These enable interactivity with the user to both give and receive information."
Standard features include:
* Machines will recognise the relaxation in the sewers hands which comes from knowing that they only have one seam left to go and will automatically tell the sewer to reload the bobbin if thread is going to run out three inches before the end of that final seam.
* Machines will no longer squeak and clatter in protest but will actually emit a prerecorded message saying for example, " I am sorry to be a nuisance but I am feeling a little linty could you please clean me" or " I don't want to be a bother but could you please remove that bent pin you just pushed into my feed dogs."
* Machines will at the press of a request button be able to identify what kind of needle you have in and when you last remembered to change it.
* Block re-orintenation. The machine will read the minds of sewers when they make blocks and will automatically scan in the block ( using DNA recognition where there are repeat blocks) to identify what the intention of the maker was as she sewed and will give automatic warnings when the sewer subsequently tries to join blocks in the wrong orientation. For sewers who produce blocks and then move them around on the board pointing the machine at the design wall and using the verbal command, "Remember" will reprogramme the machine.
* Unless the feature is overridden the machine sews a perfect quarter inch even when you waggle the block as it goes over the feed dogs.
* Language support for French, German, Spanish, Japanese, UK English, American English.
Additional upgradable features include:
* Emotionally sensitive alarm clock feature. Set the time you need to finish quilting and the machine will, according to information gleaned from your pulse rate, sew output and verbal cues ( see below) give a range of appropriate messages ranging from "Five minutes to go" to "Nope. Sorry. You have no chance of doing a good job of that last NYB block in the time you have left. Clear up now and relax."
* Additional languages including 'Pottymouth' which enables the machine to react to such unfair accusations as "Oh ***. Why the **** won't you sew the **** ing thing now?" Verbal engagement of the Pottymouth feature triggers an automatic dispensation of Lindor chocolate pieces from a side capsule and will diagnose the problem and response with precise and practical solutions . For example, "" I don't want to be a bother but could you please remove that bent pin you just pushed into my feed dogs."
The Quiltland Minister for Health had a trial run of the machine last week and is rumoured to be considering requiring the National Health Service to provide the machines free of charge on the premise that the savings in treating stress related quilting injuries and illnesses will be greater than the cost of the machines.
Saturday, 28 February 2009
Monday, 1 December 2008
A raging debate opened up across Quiltland today as news leaked that a woman, who, for legal reasons can be identified only as a 'senior member of the Royal family' was arrested on suspicion of fabric abuse. The incident occurred after the Quilt Police in her Home State found suspicious stains in her bathroom. When it was established that she had been bathing with her fabric, an arrest was made. The woman has now been released and has fled back to Quiltland where the authorities have suggested that as there is no Quilt Police this could not have happened there.
Nonetheless, all over the land tongues have been wagging. Is it an entirely natural thing to do do bathe with your young fabric or is it indicative of a perversion?
The quilter in question has remained in embarrassed seclusion but did, through an agent give the following statement:
"The incident in question has I believe been taken out of all proportion. At no time did I actually plan with any malice or intention to harm my fabric to expose it to inappropriate behaviour. The fabric in question was mostly genuine west African batiks which I decided to pre-wash as they are thicker than the quilting cottons with which they were to be combined and I was concerned about shrinkage as they are very starchy. However, I decided that to use all the hot water to wash fabric was, on a freezing cold day, a waste so I decided - even though I was clean- to run a bath, have a quick delicious dip in hot water ( possibly my favourite place to be) then to wash the fabric in the bath rather than to heat water in the machine and so waste energy and water both.
However, once in the bath I realised that it would make sense time wise to wash my hair but did not want to wash the fabric in shampoo. So I though I'd just reach out and dunk the fabric in the water, wash out the sizing and then wash my hair. All worked well on the first three pieces until the nice black meter piece. Which was not actually black but was in fact indigo.
Almost immediately I found myself sitting, quite literally, in an indigo bath....... I admit that the bath also turned blue. I also admit that it was not smart to remove the blue fabric from the blue bath in a panic and place it in the cream sink which also turned blue. In hindsight it would have been better to use a container to remove the dripping fabric to the washing machine in the kitchen. I can however confirm that in no way was any trauma caused to the fabric. If anything I am the victim of this unfortunate incident and for the Quilting Police to take such over enthusiastic action is a farce. I am glad to say I was realised without charge upon my promise to scrub the bathroom fittings clean."
Nonetheless, all over the land tongues have been wagging. Is it an entirely natural thing to do do bathe with your young fabric or is it indicative of a perversion?
The quilter in question has remained in embarrassed seclusion but did, through an agent give the following statement:
"The incident in question has I believe been taken out of all proportion. At no time did I actually plan with any malice or intention to harm my fabric to expose it to inappropriate behaviour. The fabric in question was mostly genuine west African batiks which I decided to pre-wash as they are thicker than the quilting cottons with which they were to be combined and I was concerned about shrinkage as they are very starchy. However, I decided that to use all the hot water to wash fabric was, on a freezing cold day, a waste so I decided - even though I was clean- to run a bath, have a quick delicious dip in hot water ( possibly my favourite place to be) then to wash the fabric in the bath rather than to heat water in the machine and so waste energy and water both.
However, once in the bath I realised that it would make sense time wise to wash my hair but did not want to wash the fabric in shampoo. So I though I'd just reach out and dunk the fabric in the water, wash out the sizing and then wash my hair. All worked well on the first three pieces until the nice black meter piece. Which was not actually black but was in fact indigo.
Almost immediately I found myself sitting, quite literally, in an indigo bath....... I admit that the bath also turned blue. I also admit that it was not smart to remove the blue fabric from the blue bath in a panic and place it in the cream sink which also turned blue. In hindsight it would have been better to use a container to remove the dripping fabric to the washing machine in the kitchen. I can however confirm that in no way was any trauma caused to the fabric. If anything I am the victim of this unfortunate incident and for the Quilting Police to take such over enthusiastic action is a farce. I am glad to say I was realised without charge upon my promise to scrub the bathroom fittings clean."
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
Introduction of Official Royal Quilting Buddy
On occasions The Queen requires a stand in for her duties, for example during her annual trips to Balmoral to shoot Quilt Police with The Honourable FFiona FForde- Fffaaffingham - Fingummy. In order to facilitate her enjoyment of such potential 2012 Olympic sports, the Queen has appointed Lesley Hagon as Official Royal Quilting Buddy. The Queen wishes to add to her occasional attempts at humour a greater design and challenged based content to this site and as such the ORQB has been given a mandate to make an exhibition not only of herself but also of her challenge progress as and when it happens. Both The Queen and the ORQB hope you will join in with the game.
ORQB is not known for being backwards and as such she has in fact posted her post already. The Queen hopes that she will be welcomed as an occasional correspondent. In case any reader wonders what qualifications are required to become a ORQB, The Queen can confirm that her appointment came after she escorted the Queen onto the Festival of Quilts bus and entirely unselfconsciously uttered the words, "Oh, by the way, I've brought a spare bag for me to carry your shopping."
ORQB is not known for being backwards and as such she has in fact posted her post already. The Queen hopes that she will be welcomed as an occasional correspondent. In case any reader wonders what qualifications are required to become a ORQB, The Queen can confirm that her appointment came after she escorted the Queen onto the Festival of Quilts bus and entirely unselfconsciously uttered the words, "Oh, by the way, I've brought a spare bag for me to carry your shopping."
Monday, 18 August 2008
Taking up the challenge
As Offical Quilting Buddy the responsibility of , advising on purchases, overseaing the viewing of exhibiting quilts, assisting in the transporting of said purchases and supporting the justification of making said purchases is taken very seriously. Duties are carried out with great enthusiasm and with much goodwill and joviality.
The Queen , in her generosity allowed the Quilting Buddy to make the first choice with regard to the contents of the Festival Challenge and inspiration struck as the royal personage and the non royal personage gazed at a quilt of blue. Fabric of a similar rich hue had been spied at Maggie Relphs stall , a favourite haunt of both and this was deemed a suitable start to the quilt play. The full content of the challenge is on now on display.
One event at the Festival must not be allowed to pass without comment. Mr Ricky Timms, a noted quilter from the New World (and a man!) was granted an audience with Her Majesty. She and the Official Quilt Buddy attended a dinner that allowed the said Mr Timms to entertain Her Majesty with his amusing tales of family life and tunes played on the pianoforte. The next day she gave him her time and attention whilst he outlined his working methods and new ideas that he has brought together under the title of Raphsody Quilts and having ascertained that August was Her Majesty's birth month presented her with a small gift of free subscription to his website .The Official Quilting Buddy was at great pains to assure Her Majesty, through gritted teeth , that there was no envy generated by this simple but thoughtful act, although in future the Official Quilting Buddy will ensure that her birthday also falls in future in whichever month Mr Timms identifies for rewards.
It must be said that Mr Timms was indeed honoured with Her Majesty's undivided attention, as the previous day Her Majesty had been forced to rest her eyes during a meeting with another quilter who failed to keep her suitably entertained. Attendance at classes held by Mr Timms are to be encouraged.
The official Quilting Buddy is now tasked with seeking inspiration in design. The search begins.
The Queen , in her generosity allowed the Quilting Buddy to make the first choice with regard to the contents of the Festival Challenge and inspiration struck as the royal personage and the non royal personage gazed at a quilt of blue. Fabric of a similar rich hue had been spied at Maggie Relphs stall , a favourite haunt of both and this was deemed a suitable start to the quilt play. The full content of the challenge is on now on display.
One event at the Festival must not be allowed to pass without comment. Mr Ricky Timms, a noted quilter from the New World (and a man!) was granted an audience with Her Majesty. She and the Official Quilt Buddy attended a dinner that allowed the said Mr Timms to entertain Her Majesty with his amusing tales of family life and tunes played on the pianoforte. The next day she gave him her time and attention whilst he outlined his working methods and new ideas that he has brought together under the title of Raphsody Quilts and having ascertained that August was Her Majesty's birth month presented her with a small gift of free subscription to his website .The Official Quilting Buddy was at great pains to assure Her Majesty, through gritted teeth , that there was no envy generated by this simple but thoughtful act, although in future the Official Quilting Buddy will ensure that her birthday also falls in future in whichever month Mr Timms identifies for rewards.
It must be said that Mr Timms was indeed honoured with Her Majesty's undivided attention, as the previous day Her Majesty had been forced to rest her eyes during a meeting with another quilter who failed to keep her suitably entertained. Attendance at classes held by Mr Timms are to be encouraged.
The official Quilting Buddy is now tasked with seeking inspiration in design. The search begins.
Festival Challenge products
Stage one of the Challenge is successfully completed - the shopping!
Despite splitting up at one point and secretly buying goodies for the other we both actually bought stuff that the other had seen and added to their own personal shopping list!
we have
1. One one half meter each of handdye from the Chicago school of fusing.
2. 5 FQs of African style fabric from The African Fabric Shop
3. One packet each of turquoise/ green thread and of brown threads from Oliver Twists
4. One half roll of lutrador
5. One pack of peacock green Angelina both from Ario
6. Two elephant buttons.
The Queen and her Quilting Buddy will post progress in due course.
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
Festival game
The Queen invites you to play along with her new game. It is especially invented for anyone got to Festival of Quilts this week but can be played by anyone going to any quilt show anywhere or even at your local shop. All you need is a partner to play with.
The Official Royal Friend is Lesley and we will be playing by the following rules at Festival:
1. Establish a kitty to whatever value you can afford and a starting player.
2. The starting player chooses any product that catches her eyes as being irresistible. Fabric, paint, embellishments - anything. You buy one each from the kitty.
3. The second player chooses something equally irresistible to go with it. Kitty buys one for each of you.
4. Starting player chooses... and so on until the kitty runs out. That way you will probably get something you wouldn't have chosen to work with as a challenge but not something that is hard to use with your other materials.
5. Each of you go away and make a design of your own. Let the materials dictate what you do. We are going wall hanging sized with our kitty of £60. but you can agree terms of your own.
6. Set a reveal date where you surprise each other with how you interpreted the end results.
7. (And this is the important bit) enter your quilts in the next show you can. If you like explain the game in your description but the idea is that you had a whale of a time at a show that would not have existed if people didn't exhibit things, so its pay back time!
The Queen will reveal her ingredients post Festival and in due course (our reveal date is not set yet but is likely to be November) the end results. The Queen would love to see and post links to your results if you play along at any time in the future.
The Official Royal Friend is Lesley and we will be playing by the following rules at Festival:
1. Establish a kitty to whatever value you can afford and a starting player.
2. The starting player chooses any product that catches her eyes as being irresistible. Fabric, paint, embellishments - anything. You buy one each from the kitty.
3. The second player chooses something equally irresistible to go with it. Kitty buys one for each of you.
4. Starting player chooses... and so on until the kitty runs out. That way you will probably get something you wouldn't have chosen to work with as a challenge but not something that is hard to use with your other materials.
5. Each of you go away and make a design of your own. Let the materials dictate what you do. We are going wall hanging sized with our kitty of £60. but you can agree terms of your own.
6. Set a reveal date where you surprise each other with how you interpreted the end results.
7. (And this is the important bit) enter your quilts in the next show you can. If you like explain the game in your description but the idea is that you had a whale of a time at a show that would not have existed if people didn't exhibit things, so its pay back time!
The Queen will reveal her ingredients post Festival and in due course (our reveal date is not set yet but is likely to be November) the end results. The Queen would love to see and post links to your results if you play along at any time in the future.
Monday, 11 August 2008
Stash busting tips
The Queen is highly amused by LA Quilter's failing stash busting attempts recorded on her blog. This weeks tally:
Busted: 288.00 yards
Purchased: 554.75 yards
Net YTD: <266.75> yards busted
Clearly my citizens need Royal stash busting tips:
1. Re-calulate.
Switch to metric. 266.75 yards is only 243.91 meters. See- a much lower figure already.
2. Re-organise
Take every fabric in your stash that might go in a project you have on the go. Everything. So if you have eight pieces of potential backing and ten possible bindings gather them all up. Place them all together in a project box/sack/ car boot/ shed/ whatever it fits in. Bingo. Not stash anymore- a work in progress.
3. Re-deploy.
Put the fabric under the floorboards. Not stash anymore. Insulation.
4. Re-locate
Team up with another stash challenged buddy. Take a chunk of your stash to her house. Let her have it visit her for a while. We all like to pet and stroke fabric. She'll babysit for you. She'll even pet sit. You've got to bet she will stash sit. Of course you will have to reciprocate but you have to give her stuff back so it can never be amalgamated into your stash, now can it?
5. Re-define.
LA Quilter said,
"One thing occurred to me yesterday. I have always been so sentimental about my stash. I've cherished it like a beloved pet. Those FQ towers were way too pretty to actually use. The Robyn Pandolph closet made my heart go pitty-pat when I opened the door."
The Queen decrees that such fabric shall not be defined as stash. It was created by a designer who spent a lot of time paint and effort to get that end result. It is Art. Frame it. Display it on a plinth.
6. Remember
To pre-wash your fabrics. We know we should but do we? No? And why should we? Because if you take that fabric off the shelf and place in the wicker basket - bingo! Not stash anymore. Laundry.
7. Record
Fabric changes every year. Imagine what a social record of textile design is in your cupboard. Take a square of each and keep it in an album. Say you have 175 fabrics. 3 inches square of each is a reduction of - well, I have no idea, but I am sure it is some kind of reduction.
8. Re-position politically
Sign up to the Communist party. Now your stash doesn't belong to you. It belongs to all your comrades equally. Of course it is your duty to the People to store it.
If none of the above work stash can always be sent to the Queen who will give it a good home.
Busted: 288.00 yards
Purchased: 554.75 yards
Net YTD: <266.75> yards busted
Clearly my citizens need Royal stash busting tips:
1. Re-calulate.
Switch to metric. 266.75 yards is only 243.91 meters. See- a much lower figure already.
2. Re-organise
Take every fabric in your stash that might go in a project you have on the go. Everything. So if you have eight pieces of potential backing and ten possible bindings gather them all up. Place them all together in a project box/sack/ car boot/ shed/ whatever it fits in. Bingo. Not stash anymore- a work in progress.
3. Re-deploy.
Put the fabric under the floorboards. Not stash anymore. Insulation.
4. Re-locate
Team up with another stash challenged buddy. Take a chunk of your stash to her house. Let her have it visit her for a while. We all like to pet and stroke fabric. She'll babysit for you. She'll even pet sit. You've got to bet she will stash sit. Of course you will have to reciprocate but you have to give her stuff back so it can never be amalgamated into your stash, now can it?
5. Re-define.
LA Quilter said,
"One thing occurred to me yesterday. I have always been so sentimental about my stash. I've cherished it like a beloved pet. Those FQ towers were way too pretty to actually use. The Robyn Pandolph closet made my heart go pitty-pat when I opened the door."
The Queen decrees that such fabric shall not be defined as stash. It was created by a designer who spent a lot of time paint and effort to get that end result. It is Art. Frame it. Display it on a plinth.
6. Remember
To pre-wash your fabrics. We know we should but do we? No? And why should we? Because if you take that fabric off the shelf and place in the wicker basket - bingo! Not stash anymore. Laundry.
7. Record
Fabric changes every year. Imagine what a social record of textile design is in your cupboard. Take a square of each and keep it in an album. Say you have 175 fabrics. 3 inches square of each is a reduction of - well, I have no idea, but I am sure it is some kind of reduction.
8. Re-position politically
Sign up to the Communist party. Now your stash doesn't belong to you. It belongs to all your comrades equally. Of course it is your duty to the People to store it.
If none of the above work stash can always be sent to the Queen who will give it a good home.
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
Challenge particpants
Saturday, 5 July 2008
The Royal standard quilt
From the Queen herself:
One is delighted to find that one's subjects are playing along. One started this quilt with half an hours work last night, reconvened this morning at just after ten, finished it at lunchtime today and then fell asleep on the royal couch for three hours. One has surprised oneself with what one can achieve with the selection given.
The Royal Consort said, "I didn't try to be difficult. I deliberately didn't pick your African fabrics." (Two came from the African shop at Brixton market and one from the Out of Africa stall at a show). "I picked orange because my orange lily came out today..." (More like because he is N. Ireland protestant and grew up surrounded by orange) " ...and thought that green went with it, then I liked the bright colours so I went for red and blue because the go together. Then the black was added because I thought that was something you could use to block off the colours side by side." One then added the plain black, wanting to create a resting place for the eyes
One had no idea what one was going to do with them until one typed up the last post and suddenly saw a crown shape in the blue fabric. One has never thought oneself capable of a self portrait but in 25 minutes it was done and that was that phobia over and done with. Yeah!
It was designed as one went along making strips/ parts and auditioning briefly.
I left the bit in where the machine went doolally with the preset decorative stitch - its all about fun not perfection! One made the following mental notes about the process:
1. For all the advice about using paint in journals as an initial design tool there is much to be said for making little quilts instead as sparking off experiments - for example, one likes the embroidered braids on the right and the crazy log cabins and might play with something else more thought out based on what was an instinctive 'grab fabric and cut' decision in this quilt.
2. All half made quilts on a design board will look horrible at half-ten at night.
3. All flimisies look better quilted.
4. Small pieces of fabric look very different in context to large pieces on the table ( One still has about 6 meters of the blue left!)
5. When your machine is making a strange noise do not think, "I'll just finish this line of sewing and then see what that is all about."
6. One needs to do a sample book of one's decorative stitches, playing with the ability to lengthen/ widen etc.
7. It is a pain in the royal backside writing 'one' all the time.
Thursday, 3 July 2008
Royal gauntlet is thrown down
As the land came to terms with yesterdays' quilting time proclamation the Queen today declared that the fun would start with a Royal Challenge.
"It is," she said, "designed to free my people from the fear of imperfection, from the burden of formal design. It is intended as a carefree interlude between UFOs and WIPS, a game to help us all limber up and let loose."
As the land came to terms with yesterdays' quilting time proclamation the Queen today declared that the fun would start with a Royal Challenge.
"It is," she said, "designed to free my people from the fear of imperfection, from the burden of formal design. It is intended as a carefree interlude between UFOs and WIPS, a game to help us all limber up and let loose."
In an action unprecedented since Sarah Ferguson and and other Junior Royals played Its a Knock out, the Queen declared her intention to play the game right here on the blog. "There are no prizes, she said, " but all blog links or photos emailed to this paper by participants will be showcased in the Chronicle as evidence of the mass fun about to erupt."
The challenge rules are Royally declared to be as follows:
"1. Send you partner/ child/ friend/ neighbour/ anyone you can find ( and if you can't find anyone close your eyes and do the following yourself) to your stash ( or at least the part of your stash your partner knows about).
2. Instruct them to pick out 5 pieces of fabric - any five - which they like. They are not to make it deliberately difficult for you but at the same time we all know a partner will not pick stuff that you will readily put together.
3. You may, if you wish, disregard one completely. You can add whatever you like to the pile.
4. Then, without planning or pattern, you make something including the four/ five your helper chose.
5. The quilt can be any size at all but the Queen anticipates that most of you will not be dedicating large chunks of your life to this to this tomfoolery and will make a small mini quilt but feel free to go kingsize if you get taken with what you start.
6. Email links and/or pictures of the fabric and the end result.
Let's see what spontaneity and dodgy fabric choices rescued by extra pieces can do! Let's prove to ourselves that we are all possessed of creativity and the ability to create beauty from rather dubious starts. Let's release our instincts. After all - is that not what quilting was all about before Quilt Police (Show Division) started their persnickety examinations of invisible stitches?"
The Royal Consort ( who wanted to be called the Royal Holiness but was told he was not allowed) picked out the fabrics above for the Queen today who plans her freedom quiting session to begin tomorrow and continue over the weekend. Progress will be posted. An anxious courtier (who we understand had previously knocked her bobbin case all over the floor) confided in our reporter, " I really hope someone will play along because she gets really cranky when she makes a fool of herself all alone on the blog and when she gets cranky she starts thinking about sending people to the Tower."
"It is," she said, "designed to free my people from the fear of imperfection, from the burden of formal design. It is intended as a carefree interlude between UFOs and WIPS, a game to help us all limber up and let loose."
As the land came to terms with yesterdays' quilting time proclamation the Queen today declared that the fun would start with a Royal Challenge."It is," she said, "designed to free my people from the fear of imperfection, from the burden of formal design. It is intended as a carefree interlude between UFOs and WIPS, a game to help us all limber up and let loose."
In an action unprecedented since Sarah Ferguson and and other Junior Royals played Its a Knock out, the Queen declared her intention to play the game right here on the blog. "There are no prizes, she said, " but all blog links or photos emailed to this paper by participants will be showcased in the Chronicle as evidence of the mass fun about to erupt."
The challenge rules are Royally declared to be as follows:
"1. Send you partner/ child/ friend/ neighbour/ anyone you can find ( and if you can't find anyone close your eyes and do the following yourself) to your stash ( or at least the part of your stash your partner knows about).
2. Instruct them to pick out 5 pieces of fabric - any five - which they like. They are not to make it deliberately difficult for you but at the same time we all know a partner will not pick stuff that you will readily put together.
3. You may, if you wish, disregard one completely. You can add whatever you like to the pile.4. Then, without planning or pattern, you make something including the four/ five your helper chose.
5. The quilt can be any size at all but the Queen anticipates that most of you will not be dedicating large chunks of your life to this to this tomfoolery and will make a small mini quilt but feel free to go kingsize if you get taken with what you start.
6. Email links and/or pictures of the fabric and the end result.
Let's see what spontaneity and dodgy fabric choices rescued by extra pieces can do! Let's prove to ourselves that we are all possessed of creativity and the ability to create beauty from rather dubious starts. Let's release our instincts. After all - is that not what quilting was all about before Quilt Police (Show Division) started their persnickety examinations of invisible stitches?"
The Royal Consort ( who wanted to be called the Royal Holiness but was told he was not allowed) picked out the fabrics above for the Queen today who plans her freedom quiting session to begin tomorrow and continue over the weekend. Progress will be posted. An anxious courtier (who we understand had previously knocked her bobbin case all over the floor) confided in our reporter, " I really hope someone will play along because she gets really cranky when she makes a fool of herself all alone on the blog and when she gets cranky she starts thinking about sending people to the Tower."
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
Quilting time Proclamation
Editors note: The Queen has been away from Quiltland for far longer than she intended, mostly due to feeling exhausted and not at all funny. She apologises to any citizens who have cared. However, she is now rejuvenated and returns, in a funk, making proclamations left right and centre and with intentions to post all kinds of interactive goodies on the blog in the coming months....
Today the Queen stormed back into Quiltland after a prolonged tour to the UK, spitting (white swan) feathers, and called for a scribe. A Proclamation soon followed, a harried courtier handing out copies to the press still hot from the photocopier. A pressurised Equerry paused to hiss out of the corner of his mouth, "Its the AQS magazine. Its got her all in a huff. Something about a winning quilt taking 2000 hours to make." Later, a loose tongued lady - in -waiting was persuaded ( by a bribe of a box of Maderia rayon threads) to add, "She was crying in her studio and throwing blocks about. She said she felt inadequate and pressured. Something about not ever being good enough and she wasn't having it."
Our reporter has revealed that the magazine in question showcased show winners and included a miniature quilt of only 11" square with no less than 4,129. It is assumed that this explains the comment of a sweating footman who said, "She was storming down the corridor, muttering about someone having bothered to count the damned things and how was she to be expected to do that and run a country?"
The Proclamation is swingeing and ambassadors to Quiltland have been seen making frantic phonecalls to their homeland news anchors assuring them that in a private meeting the Queen (who according to the diplomat from Paduchah looked 'controlled but determined') had made it plain that she was setting a domestic precedent only and that she retained admiration and respect for all quilters who, in the privacy of their domestic states, spent the equivalent of one year and eleven weeks of a full time 9-5 job making one wall hanging.
The Proclamation was read at 10pm tonight from the balcony of the Queen's studio. The text read:
"I hereby declare that no machine sewn quilt made in Quiltland shall take longer than 50 hours to construct and no hand sewn quilt more than 100. Thinking, shopping and stash stroking time is excluded from this. Extensions will be readily granted ( without limit) to anyone who suffers a disability or impairment which slows their progress. Others need to get a move on. Value in Quiltland is to be measured in quotients of enjoyment, fun, spontaneity and sheer ability to get on and make the next one. It is not to be measured in quotients of obsession, perfection or fixated concentration.
"I have recently undertaken a royal tour of my citizen's blogs and have noticed that my loyal citizens are generally engaged in multiple projects of practical nature. I will not tolerate any of these wonderful people - and here I include myself in this - feeling that their work is less valuable or worthy because they did not audition twenty different colour themes over six months before even starting their quilt or because they could not contemplate using 1/4" hexagons.
"There are plenty of fora which will award accolades to quilts of such nature. Quiltland is not one of them. Here accolades will be given to quilts which exude vibrancy, play and exuberance. We will applaud simplicity, inept experimentation and quilts made from love. We shall prefer not those quilts which make us sigh and wish we could make them, but those which make us smile and rush to your own sewing projects with renewed enthusiasm. Quiltland will be a haven in which quilting is a pleasure and not a competative sport. To this end I commend this quilt, seen on my recent Royal Blog tour to you as one such which caused far more Royal inspiration than the AQS winners.
"To embed this Proclamation into the heart and souls of the Citizens of Quiltland I shall shortly be announcing a new Challenge. Those interested should add this blog to their Google Readers for it shall be posted as soon as I have time.
"And to that end - and because I can, this being my country, I make this Proclamation Law."
Today the Queen stormed back into Quiltland after a prolonged tour to the UK, spitting (white swan) feathers, and called for a scribe. A Proclamation soon followed, a harried courtier handing out copies to the press still hot from the photocopier. A pressurised Equerry paused to hiss out of the corner of his mouth, "Its the AQS magazine. Its got her all in a huff. Something about a winning quilt taking 2000 hours to make." Later, a loose tongued lady - in -waiting was persuaded ( by a bribe of a box of Maderia rayon threads) to add, "She was crying in her studio and throwing blocks about. She said she felt inadequate and pressured. Something about not ever being good enough and she wasn't having it."
Our reporter has revealed that the magazine in question showcased show winners and included a miniature quilt of only 11" square with no less than 4,129. It is assumed that this explains the comment of a sweating footman who said, "She was storming down the corridor, muttering about someone having bothered to count the damned things and how was she to be expected to do that and run a country?"
The Proclamation is swingeing and ambassadors to Quiltland have been seen making frantic phonecalls to their homeland news anchors assuring them that in a private meeting the Queen (who according to the diplomat from Paduchah looked 'controlled but determined') had made it plain that she was setting a domestic precedent only and that she retained admiration and respect for all quilters who, in the privacy of their domestic states, spent the equivalent of one year and eleven weeks of a full time 9-5 job making one wall hanging.
The Proclamation was read at 10pm tonight from the balcony of the Queen's studio. The text read:
"I hereby declare that no machine sewn quilt made in Quiltland shall take longer than 50 hours to construct and no hand sewn quilt more than 100. Thinking, shopping and stash stroking time is excluded from this. Extensions will be readily granted ( without limit) to anyone who suffers a disability or impairment which slows their progress. Others need to get a move on. Value in Quiltland is to be measured in quotients of enjoyment, fun, spontaneity and sheer ability to get on and make the next one. It is not to be measured in quotients of obsession, perfection or fixated concentration.
"I have recently undertaken a royal tour of my citizen's blogs and have noticed that my loyal citizens are generally engaged in multiple projects of practical nature. I will not tolerate any of these wonderful people - and here I include myself in this - feeling that their work is less valuable or worthy because they did not audition twenty different colour themes over six months before even starting their quilt or because they could not contemplate using 1/4" hexagons.
"There are plenty of fora which will award accolades to quilts of such nature. Quiltland is not one of them. Here accolades will be given to quilts which exude vibrancy, play and exuberance. We will applaud simplicity, inept experimentation and quilts made from love. We shall prefer not those quilts which make us sigh and wish we could make them, but those which make us smile and rush to your own sewing projects with renewed enthusiasm. Quiltland will be a haven in which quilting is a pleasure and not a competative sport. To this end I commend this quilt, seen on my recent Royal Blog tour to you as one such which caused far more Royal inspiration than the AQS winners.
"To embed this Proclamation into the heart and souls of the Citizens of Quiltland I shall shortly be announcing a new Challenge. Those interested should add this blog to their Google Readers for it shall be posted as soon as I have time.
"And to that end - and because I can, this being my country, I make this Proclamation Law."
Saturday, 8 March 2008
Jealousy Quilt show
The Queen is in a snit. Only three people came to play with her. They were very nice people but she wanted a whole garden party and she didn't get one. So now she is not amused. Still, there are three quilts to vote for if you want to!
Willow by Jane Sassaman
Tickled Pink by Susan Carlson
Dance by Ferret
You have until some unspecified time after Easter to vote! Meanshile would all nominators please email a postal address?
Willow by Jane Sassaman
Tickled Pink by Susan Carlson
Dance by Ferret
You have until some unspecified time after Easter to vote! Meanshile would all nominators please email a postal address?
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
Quiltland Red Light District
Consternation and great debate is rife in Quiltland today as the Queen decreed her intention to permit a red light district in the Quiltery. Despite the fact that it will be discreetly placed at the bottom of the extensive grounds, so that there is no danger of any one whose personal morals are not compatible with the concept having to have personal contact with the area, Quilting Puritans have voiced concerns.
Maude Mayflower said, "Any besmirching of the purity of Baltimore Quilts will be vigorously opposed by the Quiltland Daughters of the Revolution Branch."
The Queen however was at pains to explain her reasoning. "Citizens will appreciate that Quiltland is a country which welcomes all but distinguishes itself from surrounding nation states. People should not assume that my red light zone will have any of the terrible disadvantages of that in, say, Amsterdam or Frankfurt."
In an open and frank speech, unikely to be mimicked by any other world leader she revealed what many might feel to be moral weaknesses. She explained that her decision followed her acquisition of this book:
She said, "I openly confess that I own this book and that this book can only be described as quilting pornography. The quilts in it are what my mother would call 'brazen hussies'. They are brash and put themselves on show. There is no hiding that the making of them involved naked joy. I will not use what I may call the 'Playboy' excuse, beloved of men, that I was 'buying it for the articles'. There are indeed words in the book but they are a mere supporting act to the tantalsing full frontal full colour pictures.
Maude Mayflower said, "Any besmirching of the purity of Baltimore Quilts will be vigorously opposed by the Quiltland Daughters of the Revolution Branch."
The Queen however was at pains to explain her reasoning. "Citizens will appreciate that Quiltland is a country which welcomes all but distinguishes itself from surrounding nation states. People should not assume that my red light zone will have any of the terrible disadvantages of that in, say, Amsterdam or Frankfurt."
In an open and frank speech, unikely to be mimicked by any other world leader she revealed what many might feel to be moral weaknesses. She explained that her decision followed her acquisition of this book:
She said, "I openly confess that I own this book and that this book can only be described as quilting pornography. The quilts in it are what my mother would call 'brazen hussies'. They are brash and put themselves on show. There is no hiding that the making of them involved naked joy. I will not use what I may call the 'Playboy' excuse, beloved of men, that I was 'buying it for the articles'. There are indeed words in the book but they are a mere supporting act to the tantalsing full frontal full colour pictures. "The fact that publishers of such material remain in business indicate that I am not alone in the pleasure I take in such pictures. I believe it to be deeply sad that there are citizens who, in their nation states, will be forced to cover this book in brown paper and gaze at it in secret, hiding it in laundry rooms or the boot of the car, unable to confess to their spouses that they are spending money on such visual titilation. In Quiltland this behaviour shall be normalised for those who wish to indulge.
"It is of course necessary for safeguards to be put in place. A psychologist will be on call at the Quiltery to offer free therapy to anyone who feels that they are spending more time in the red light zone than the actual quilting zone. In order that there will be no fiscal consequences of visits the quilting pornography will be free at the point of use based on an honesty system which will request users to add their own secret stash to the library for communal use. "
As if this was not enough of a shock the Queen went one step further and introduced what a quilt curator condemned as "Quilting prositution'. There will be a walk in closet in which a range of quilts will display themselves. They will be available by the hour for a modest fee. The Queen explained,
"There will be no illegal immigration of quilts made in sweatshops tolerated. There will be no undervaluing of quilts. No maker will be forced to put their quilts on display for hire. Any citizen who feels that they do not want to provide their quilts for such purposes but are considering it for financial reasons will be eligible to support from the Quiltland Benevolent Fund. No pimps will be able to take a cut of profits. It is, however, time we recognised that it is a natural, common human need, an undeniable urge that all Quilters have to stroke, touch, pet and snuggle with a quilt. I do not believe that such activities need be confined to quilts which are introduced exclusively to the Quilters household for life. "
Maude Mayflower looked distinctly sick when asked for her reaction to this latter suggestion but managed to stutter out. ".. infection risk... prophilatic white gloves..." before dropping to a dead faint. However, another quilter, approached at the airport , who wished to reamain anoynmous said, "Don't tell my husband, because generally I give my quilts away to good causes, but yeah, I'd love to come back and have a huge selfish orgy, just me an a big pile of beautiful quilts all around me, all over me.Oh boy, yeah!"
Sunday, 17 February 2008
New! Agony aunt column.
NEW FEATURE : YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED BY AUNTY EYLET
Dear Aunty Eylet
I was a tourist recently in Quiltland. I saw a local making a beautiful quilt and I asked 'Oh what is that for?" because I was so taken with it and wondered how she was going to use it. However, she looked quite discomforted by the question and did not answer. Was I inadvertently rude? Is it culturally inappropriate to ask a Quiltland native about her work?
Worried of Kansas
Dear Worried of Kansas,
Most Quiltland citizens love to show off their work and revel in any attention and praise you may give it. However, there are certain cultural nuances as to how you should show that interest which you probably transgressed.
The easiest way to avoid offence is to phrase questions as if the quilt were a child. The quilter goes through a similar range of emotions to pregnancy during the making of a quilt - the joy of conception of the idea, shopping trips, a stage of intense nausea with the thing, a final push at the end, for example.
So, just as you would never admire a baby sleeping in a pram and ask 'Oh what it is for?', you can usually assume a quilt has been created out of love and longing. Many quilters have a biological clock which practicially forces them to make quilts because they fear that they will die with ideas still in their heads. Most quilts are indeed, planned and welcomed by both quilter and partner and the quilt is for a sense of completion in their lives or the joy of its company in years to come. However, circumstances may be more difficult and hard to talk about to a tourist.
If you saw a long-armer she may be like a surrogate mother, having to head over her beautiful creation never to see it again and your question may have triggered a sense of loss as well as in fact asking for information she did not posess. Or the quilt may in fact be the unplanned product of a love affair with fabric which has involved lying to the quilter's partner and the hiding of receipts. It is even possible - especially if you saw communal quilting activity - that the quilt birth will even be concealed from all but the birthing group and will be adopted out as a gift quilt before the partner even knows about it.
So, it may be better to limit yourself to statements of praise such as" Oh isn't it beautiful" or " You must be so proud." You may even try the local phrase which is very similar to the goo-goo-goo sound commonly made over babies but which sounds more like "oooh-oooh-oooh, a quilt!"
Of course, this anaology like any other can be stretched until it breaks its limits. There are some questions which are perfectly acceptable in Quiltland which probably are best not applied to babies such as 'Is it for sale?", "Have you put a picture on the internet?" or, "Is that one of Ricky Tims'?".
Dear Aunty Eylet
I was a tourist recently in Quiltland. I saw a local making a beautiful quilt and I asked 'Oh what is that for?" because I was so taken with it and wondered how she was going to use it. However, she looked quite discomforted by the question and did not answer. Was I inadvertently rude? Is it culturally inappropriate to ask a Quiltland native about her work?
Worried of Kansas
Dear Worried of Kansas,
Most Quiltland citizens love to show off their work and revel in any attention and praise you may give it. However, there are certain cultural nuances as to how you should show that interest which you probably transgressed.
The easiest way to avoid offence is to phrase questions as if the quilt were a child. The quilter goes through a similar range of emotions to pregnancy during the making of a quilt - the joy of conception of the idea, shopping trips, a stage of intense nausea with the thing, a final push at the end, for example.
So, just as you would never admire a baby sleeping in a pram and ask 'Oh what it is for?', you can usually assume a quilt has been created out of love and longing. Many quilters have a biological clock which practicially forces them to make quilts because they fear that they will die with ideas still in their heads. Most quilts are indeed, planned and welcomed by both quilter and partner and the quilt is for a sense of completion in their lives or the joy of its company in years to come. However, circumstances may be more difficult and hard to talk about to a tourist.
If you saw a long-armer she may be like a surrogate mother, having to head over her beautiful creation never to see it again and your question may have triggered a sense of loss as well as in fact asking for information she did not posess. Or the quilt may in fact be the unplanned product of a love affair with fabric which has involved lying to the quilter's partner and the hiding of receipts. It is even possible - especially if you saw communal quilting activity - that the quilt birth will even be concealed from all but the birthing group and will be adopted out as a gift quilt before the partner even knows about it.
So, it may be better to limit yourself to statements of praise such as" Oh isn't it beautiful" or " You must be so proud." You may even try the local phrase which is very similar to the goo-goo-goo sound commonly made over babies but which sounds more like "oooh-oooh-oooh, a quilt!"
Of course, this anaology like any other can be stretched until it breaks its limits. There are some questions which are perfectly acceptable in Quiltland which probably are best not applied to babies such as 'Is it for sale?", "Have you put a picture on the internet?" or, "Is that one of Ricky Tims'?".
Thursday, 7 February 2008
The Quiltery
The Queen has been pondering her new residence. Of the view that sleeping on the streets of Quiltland under a dog eared four-patch was not fitting to her status, she nonetheless was anxious about building a Palace for fear that her subjects would compare her to a greedy expolitative ex-European dictator.
However a faithful aide pointed out that as she was not intending to don 20 foot ermine trains, possess a tiara, or even wear sparkly pink dresses accessorised with a glitter wand, she deserved something as a reward for existing soley to amuse her citizens.
Thus she has decided to build The Quiltery ( with thanks to Citizen Lisa for the name). The Queen will have private quarters on the top floor but has decreed that the lower floors shall be open to the public. Consultation is now taking place as to what the building shall contain/ resemble. The Queen's current thoughts are as follows:
1. The building shall be designed by Daniel Libeskind with whom the Queen is developing a slight obsession. He designs in a highly inventive way in which the structure of the building has meaning and the Queen highly recommends his autobiography. She particularly liked his tale of designing the Imperial War Museum Manchester by dropping a teapot from a window, running down and picking up the three largest shards and arranging them into the building where they now represented the shattering of the earth by war. Or something. The Queen has arranged her summer holiday to alow visitation of two of his buildings and would dearly love one all of her own.
2. There will be a series of functional rooms which can be booked by citizens to form a rolling quilting club, namely
(a) a pre-wash laundry service. Drop, go, collect dye free.
(b) sewing rooms. One room will have extra wide tables for machine sewing, one will have soft armchairs for hand quilters. One will have old films playing. The George Clooney Studio will specialise. Citizens will be able to rent lockers so that they can leave work here and come anytime they want and quilt with friends. The time zone mechanism previously reported will be localised so that a quilters individual preference for a desk can be met
(c) the stash cellar. Throughout the whole of the basement area shelves will run with stash available for all citizens renting work space. Magic will mean that this stash always has just enough of every piece of fabric and every possible embelishment ever printed/ created. However, daily rumages in the stash will be limitedto 75% of whatever the quilter needs to complete her work so that a visit to a Local quilt store ( see below) is still required.
(d) coffee posts. Nooks and crannies will have self service refreshment posts close to each work area. these will be themed to allow for allergies, dietery needs and just plain fussiness. The Quuens favourite is to be the cheesecake bar at which a fridge will contain slices of baked New York cheescake and the optics will be filled with sauces. Dishes of toppings from fruit to chunks of Toblerone will line the bar. (The Queen, like everyone else does however wish to know why Toblerone is only ever seen for sale at airports. And why at airports it is sold in bars big enough to use as an onboard weapon).
The Quiltery will be located in an environment to suit everyone, having different scenery on each side of the building so lovers of moutains, sea, country and city can all be satisfied. There will be a local comunity a short walk from the door with a local quilt shop. This shop is not yet open for trading pending the building of the Quiltery and thus the Queen welcomes comments on (a) what else you would like in The Quiltery and (b) what are the best ideas and features you have seen in Quiltshops in your nation states that we should combine in our Quiltland LQS?
Finally, please enter the Quilt Show!!
However a faithful aide pointed out that as she was not intending to don 20 foot ermine trains, possess a tiara, or even wear sparkly pink dresses accessorised with a glitter wand, she deserved something as a reward for existing soley to amuse her citizens.
Thus she has decided to build The Quiltery ( with thanks to Citizen Lisa for the name). The Queen will have private quarters on the top floor but has decreed that the lower floors shall be open to the public. Consultation is now taking place as to what the building shall contain/ resemble. The Queen's current thoughts are as follows:
1. The building shall be designed by Daniel Libeskind with whom the Queen is developing a slight obsession. He designs in a highly inventive way in which the structure of the building has meaning and the Queen highly recommends his autobiography. She particularly liked his tale of designing the Imperial War Museum Manchester by dropping a teapot from a window, running down and picking up the three largest shards and arranging them into the building where they now represented the shattering of the earth by war. Or something. The Queen has arranged her summer holiday to alow visitation of two of his buildings and would dearly love one all of her own.
2. There will be a series of functional rooms which can be booked by citizens to form a rolling quilting club, namely
(a) a pre-wash laundry service. Drop, go, collect dye free.
(b) sewing rooms. One room will have extra wide tables for machine sewing, one will have soft armchairs for hand quilters. One will have old films playing. The George Clooney Studio will specialise. Citizens will be able to rent lockers so that they can leave work here and come anytime they want and quilt with friends. The time zone mechanism previously reported will be localised so that a quilters individual preference for a desk can be met
(c) the stash cellar. Throughout the whole of the basement area shelves will run with stash available for all citizens renting work space. Magic will mean that this stash always has just enough of every piece of fabric and every possible embelishment ever printed/ created. However, daily rumages in the stash will be limitedto 75% of whatever the quilter needs to complete her work so that a visit to a Local quilt store ( see below) is still required.
(d) coffee posts. Nooks and crannies will have self service refreshment posts close to each work area. these will be themed to allow for allergies, dietery needs and just plain fussiness. The Quuens favourite is to be the cheesecake bar at which a fridge will contain slices of baked New York cheescake and the optics will be filled with sauces. Dishes of toppings from fruit to chunks of Toblerone will line the bar. (The Queen, like everyone else does however wish to know why Toblerone is only ever seen for sale at airports. And why at airports it is sold in bars big enough to use as an onboard weapon).
The Quiltery will be located in an environment to suit everyone, having different scenery on each side of the building so lovers of moutains, sea, country and city can all be satisfied. There will be a local comunity a short walk from the door with a local quilt shop. This shop is not yet open for trading pending the building of the Quiltery and thus the Queen welcomes comments on (a) what else you would like in The Quiltery and (b) what are the best ideas and features you have seen in Quiltshops in your nation states that we should combine in our Quiltland LQS?
Finally, please enter the Quilt Show!!
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